Alabamians to continue buying lottery tickets in Georgia

FORT GAINES - Nearly half a billion dollars has flowed in from Alabama since the Georgia Lottery began in 1993, paying for college scholarships, a free pre-kindergarten program and computers in Georgia classrooms.

Alabamians who crossed the state line to purchase Georgia lottery tickets Wednesday said they were dismayed that voters in their state rejected a lottery of their own, ensuring that the river of cash between the two states will continue to flow one way.

Election officials are continuing to investigate an election fraud scandal that erupted the day after the vote. After a detailed review of the records, it seems that someone named Rebecca Paul aka "Becky Paul" apparently voted 12,500 times in 15 different counties in Alabama.

Bubba Boone, a spokesman for the Alabama Bureau of Investigation, said "We're tracking all leads on this suspect. We believe that she resides in Georgia. I can't reveal any more about our investigation at this time, but I can say that she voted 'NO' on every ballot she cast which at this point is 12,500 plus."

Voters in Alabama overwhelmingly rejected the devil's Lottery as a means to raise money for education in the state. "We think the lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math. And Lord knows we have a heap of those," said Forrest Gump, a spokesman for the group, Alabamians Lobbying Against Big Apple Mafia Associates, or ALABAMA. "We're sticking with our state motto, 'At least we're not Mississippi,'" Gump said.

"This is a blow to education perpetrated by uptight religious right extremists!" said Morris "Mo" Munney, a state legislator and lottery proponent. "Are they stupid, or what?"

"Stupid is as stupid does," Gump said. "We're already spending $10 a year per student. Besides, money doesn't solve all the education problems. Education is like a box of chocolates. You pay the money expecting to get nuts and caramels---but you get those yucky cream things. That's all I have to say about that."

"We really needed the lottery here in Alabama so that we could redirect some much needed funds to our roads without cutting education spending," Munney said. "That's not to mention that the Governor's doublewide really needs some renovations. We're becoming a laughing stock when visiting dignitaries get their limos stuck in the mud of the governor's driveway because of a lack of gravel."

 Living absentees throw election to Warfrat in Dodge commission runoff

EASTMAN - The absentee vote made the difference Tuesday in a runoff election for the Dodge County Commission's District 4 post.

Willard Warfrat, 68, was two votes behind his opponent, Archie Donut, 50, until the absentee ballots were counted, said Dodge County Probate Judge and Elections Superintendent Jim-Bob Killjoy. "We are checking to make sure that all the absentees are actually living and eligible absentee voters," Kelly said.

But with all the votes tallied, Warfrat emerged the winner with 316 votes to 289 for Donut, an Eastman funeral home worker. Turnout was 32 percent of the district's voters, or 19 percent if you count all the dead voters, Killjoy said.

Warfrat, a Dodge County native and newcomer to politics, said, "I'm feeling fine now," after the final votes were tallied. "I was really worried that Donut's precincts might come in stronger, him being in the funeral business and all. There's a lot of names in those cemeteries over there, you know."

With the publicity surrounding the proposed split of Fulton County in the Atlanta area, Macon and Bibb officials have seized on the new idea as a solution for the current impasse to unification of the Macon city and Bibb County governments.

"We like the idea of building our own county courthouses, jails and sheriff's offices. Forming our own counties would generate construction jobs and government work all around Macon. Each city councilman could operate his or her own county without any bickering with others to get their slice of the pie," said Buford Bullfeather, a former member of the unification commission. "There may be an issue with some of the county names. Clay, Defore, Lee and Hill are not a problem...but who wants to live in Dickey County?"

"Getting an amendment to the state constitution to allow more than 159 counties should be much easier than unifying Macon and Bibb County," said Charles Richardson, a unification commission member. "But I have a few concerns about the efficiency of this concept. And then there was the issue of speaking with one voice. Well, suffice it to say, there are a few issues to resolve," Richardson said.

MILLEDGEVILLE - The Baldwin County Sheriff's Office arrested the man responsible for two bank robberies earlier this week, arresting him after receiving a tip about his location. Detectives said the tip-off was a large spray-painted paper poster on the front of the house which read "Death to the Atlanta Braves!"

Lloyd Stewart "Shocka" Wilkinson, 37, of New York City, was arrested at a Scott Hill Street house after Baldwin deputies and U.S. Marshals staked out the house. He was charged with numerous counts of armed robbery and two counts of open Mets support, a felony in Georgia.

"We have video of him wearing a Mets jersey and hat," Sheriff Bill Massee said. "Thusfar, he's confessed to the robberies saying that he wanted to 'get even' in advance because he anticipated that the Atlanta Braves would rob the Mets of a rare chance to play in the World Series."

The suspect took an exit from Interstate-75 north of Atlanta and got lost, eventually winding up in Milledgeville. He figured that robbing banks in Georgia was "close enough" even if it wasn't Atlanta, detectives said.

Wilkinson was quoted as saying "Death to the Braves! Death to the Braves!" as he was apprehended. Wilkinson's attorney said that deputies used excessive force by beating him with tomahawks and he's pushing for a GBI probe.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins